Can you please check my eyes while you're cleaning my teeth?

Sigh. So I spent the morning looking through my insurance paperwork and trying to find a dentist and an eye doctor (one of each, I mean, not one that does both though that would be awesome). After hours of boredom, I'm absolutely sure of just one thing. Insurance brochures are written in some weird code that I can't crack. They are not meant for ordinary people to understand. Dude, and I say this after I've spent the last few years honing my "reading dry and obscure documents" skills. And I'm convinced that the people answering phones for insurance companies have been specifically told to do everything possible to make sure no questions are ever answered. Ever.

Some of you may have already heard of my continuing eye saga. I wear rigid gas permeables (RGPs), which apparently no one else in the world does anymore. I've always worn them, and until about 5 years ago, I never had problems getting myself examined and fitted for them. Until I started law school. Stupid me, I figured I could get by without any eye exams for a while and never got one. I didn't have vision insurance in school, and eye care can get pricey even with insurance. So it was one of those things that just went by the wayside.

Anyway, so in my 3rd year of law school, one eye started to hurt like hell everytime I put the contact in. I think I was in the middle of finals, so I switched to glasses and decided to deal with the problem later. When I did decide to deal with the problem, I went to Costco for my eye exam months later. They gave me the wrong prescription (after asking me if I'd ever considered switching to soft lenses), I got headaches everytime I wore my contacts and so I haven't. For like years. Actually this might have happened a couple of times. What can I say, I'm lazy, and sometimes it takes me a while to learn from my mistakes. And I ended up getting a cool pair of glasses on one visit, so the thought of wearing glasses didn't horrify me as it used to, so I had absolutely no incentive to fix the problem. Now, my glasses are all scratched, so I gotta do something.

So earlier this year, I went in again, this time to the eye doctor down the street. I didn't have vision insurance with my last employer either, but I figured I at least had a regular income, so there was no excuse to not take care of it. I showed up. Oh, and I'd like to point out now that I told them when I called for the appt. that I wanted rigid gas permeables, but I hadn't worn my old pair in a couple of years. They didn't seem to think it mattered one way or the other. Anyway, I showed up, and they did my eye exam. And then the optometrist mentioned that she couldn't fit me for contacts unless I had them in already. Um, they couldn't have mentioned this before I spent an hour there? Not to mention they dilated my eyes while I was there, so I was useless at work for the next couple of hours too, all for nothing! They asked me if I had ever considered switching to soft lenses. Frustrated, and not wanting to walk away with nothing, I said I'd give them a shot. I walked away with some sample pairs, and another appointment (ages later because apparently, I got stuck with the one person at that office who only worked one day a week). And seriously, she looked about 12, and I kind of wondered if she'd ever heard of these kind of contacts before, the way she went on about needing special equipment to measure my eyes for the RGPs, and advanced notice, etc.

I tried them for about a month, decided I preferred the RGPs (I can see SO much better), and wore my old pair when I went to my next appt. Before I went to the appointment, I had faxed over old eye records from my last regular doc, and told them that it was from 5 years ago and they were my last correct prescription. Perfect, they said. But when I got there, the optometrist said no, actually she needed to know the prescription of the contacts actually in my eyes. Dude, really? My eye sight hasn't changed all that much over the years. Sounded to me like she just needed a starting point, and those are probably still pretty close. But apparently not. She decided to make the best of it anyway. So you gotta note that at this point, I was already kind of fuming a bit and just wanting to get the whole thing over with. Seriously, I'd never had these kinds of issues getting contacts before. Did something happen in the last few years that made optometrists completely incompetent?

Anyway, then they decided to start going over pricing with me. And it turned out they wouldn't just write a prescription and let me get the contacts. I had to buy thru them. The optometrist kept saying that she would probably need to make adjustments and couldn't be sure what she'd be getting if we got the contacts from some where else. Um, yes you do. You'd get the contacts that you prescribed. And it wouldn't have been a big deal except that they were charging like 600 bucks from their place, and I could get them from Cost-Co for about $40 apiece. She seemed concerned about me coming back to get re-checked after I got them, but of course I was planning to. I want to make sure they fit, especially after she made such a huge deal about the prescription probably not being right the first time and her needing to make adjustments. Needless to say, I walked out of there (after they ate something like a couple hundred bucks in examining fees) and never went back. Honestly, it was all I could to not throw a fit. It was right around the time I was planning my wedding, so I was already on a pretty short fuse.

Anyway, now, I have all kinds of vision coverage with both my health and vision plans at work. So it should be easy to find some one and get some stupid contacts, right? But no, first, I got the run around when I tried to find out if I needed a referral to see an ophthalmologist (holy H's and L's - had no idea that's how you spelled this word) through my health plan and then use my vision plan to cover the contacts. Then the first place I called had to check, before coming back to tell me that yes, they did carry "my brand" of contacts. Um, well, ok, its not so much a brand name as a different kind of contact lens altogether. So I was a bit worried already. Then the optometrist himself called me to get more info on exactly what kind of RGPs I'd had and asked if I'd ever considered switching to soft lens (which I've now come to realize is code for, I have no idea how to fit you for this, can't you make it easier on me?). He also asked if I could fax over my eye records for the last million years.

I finally found an ophthalmologist (i.e. a real MEDICAL doctor as opposed to a hack") in my vision plan whose office actually seemed to know what RGPs are. We'll see how it goes.

Finding a dentist through my health insurance plan was no picnic either. The online provider directory didn't have any "network" dentists, so I wasn't sure who I could see. When I called, I was given a subscriber number and told that dental reimbursements were subject to their policy. Um, ok. That was as clear as mud, but they did say I could see any dentist I wanted (and then they'll decide if they want to pay for it???). So I went with the first dentist with positive reviews on Yelp (yes! Yelp has more than just restaurant reviews!) who had an appointment before Oct. and assured me that they'd talk to my insurance before I came in.

Keep your fingers crossed!