Things NOT to do or say to a pregnant woman:

So since becoming pregnant, I’ve realized that people say all sorts of things to a pregnant girl that they would never think of saying to other women. It’s like everyone forgets their manners around a pregnant lady, or somehow thinks that different rules apply. Here are some that have come my way over the last 8 months, mostly from co-workers, and in no particular order.

(After finding out how far along I was): Wow, you sure are having a HEALTHY baby, aren’t you? Well, actually, I’m hoping for an unhealthy one.

Whoa, you really look like you’re about to pop. What am I, a zit?

You’re not due until JULY??? How much bigger are you going to get???? (from a judge in my office who’s actually pretty funny and can get away with saying stuff like this better than most people can).

Well, at least your weight is all in your belly. Yeah, I thank my lucky stars for that almost daily.

Are you sure you’re not carrying twins? Oh, I don’t know, maybe I am and they’ve just missed it so far. . .

You still haven’t had that baby yet? I’m guessing this also is in reference to my size. . .

From another judge at work whose office is near mine, every time he sees me with any food whatsoever, regardless of whether it’s lunch time or not, and if it’s healthy or not): That time of day again, huh? I guess this isn’t the exact quote but it’s usually some version of this accompanied by a knowing chuckle and some reference to pregnancy cravings. Or even better, it's a reference to how huge my meal looks.

Unwelcome touching from strangers. Fortunately, this hasn’t happened to me very much, but I’ve heard lots of friends complain about it. My co-worker had our male head judge rub her belly without asking, and the thought of that happening to me fills me with dread. For any friends out there worried about it now, don’t. You can all touch my belly whenever you. Y’all fit into a much different category from colleagues and random people on the street. :)

Labor horror stories. These seem to come most often from men describing their wives’ labor. Really, you think I really want to hear how much she tore or how long it took and how disgusting the whole process was?

What are you doing after this baby? Are you having more or getting your tubes tied? Um, maybe you could let me pop out this one first . ..

(At Starbucks): You want me to make that decaf right? No, if I’d wanted decaf, I’d have said so. So stop judging what I eat/drink and just get me my damn coffee.

My husband is always a great source of fun stuff himself. And depending on what kind of mood I am, he either gets a laugh or a meltdown. For example, when I started struggling with shoe laces because I couldn’t bend anymore (and all of a sudden, they were always coming untied), rather than offering to help, he suggested that I “get some slip on shoes or Velcro.” When I kept getting frustrated because I seemed to be always dropping things, his helpful remark was “Hey, here’s a thought, how about you just stop dropping things?” Those were definitely meltdown moments.

And of course, there are the nice comments too, that I wish everyone else would learn from. One co-worker tells me often how “healthy and wonderful I look.” Without the “you’re huge” innuendo, healthy actually sounds pretty nice. Another judge constantly reassures me that I’m not big. HIS wife apparently gained over 100 pounds and had feet like watermelons, could barely walk, etc. I’m tiny in comparison. OK, maybe that’s a bit questionable, and I’m guessing that his wife wouldn’t be thrilled. But for some reason, I do kind of find it reassuring. And finally, a young female judge in our office thanked me for procreating because she certainly hadn't and it was nice of me to take one for the team. Which doesn't really fit with the subject of this post but was just downright entertaining.