Ever since I became a parent, I've heard again and again how babies should be able to sleep through the night by the time they are about 4 months old. That seems the magic number when the internet and (even the more reputable sources like pediatricians) seem to think that some form of training your baby to sleep is necessary. I'm not against sleep training in principle (though I tend to think that 4 months is still a bit too early). What's driven me insane are the numerous conversations I've had about letting your baby cry it out.
Even if you're not a parent, you probably know the general principle. By letting your baby cry it out s/he will develop long term good sleep habits that include sleeping through the night and falling asleep on his/her own. Actually, there are lots of variations to the theory. Very few involve just letting the baby cry indefinitely. Some "experts" suggest going in at periodic intervals, etc. But basically, all the methods involve listening to your baby cry herself to sleep.
So I know I'm going to probably ruffle a few feathers and come off pretty strong because I know that I'm in the minority of people who thinks it's all a bunch of crap. And I'm not really sure what's prompted my sudden anger at this all of a sudden. But I'm realizing how it comes up in almost every conversation I have with other moms. I'll go to a party and some one will tell me how they had to resort to it. Close friends have talked about it now for almost all of Diya's 10 months. Last week when Diya was extra fussy, there was one day when I was home and hadn't had a bite to eat at 3pm. My mom happened to call and made a comment about how crying is good for the baby sometimes. The other day, I had lunch with a friend and it came up again, this time, for once, with some one who was in complete agreement with me.
So here it is. I think crying-it-out is bull shit. It's the easy way out, and it's cruel. Really? The message you want to send to your 4-month old baby is that she can cry to her heart's content and no one will come for her? At least not after midnight. Sure, cry earlier and we'll come get you. Wait, what's that? You can't tell time yet?
Does it work? Probably. I'm not surprised that parents who do some form of CIO report success. But I think it's because the baby learns that no one is coming and finally just give up hope. People say that babies learn to self soothe, but I wonder where would they learn that from? I think they really just fall asleep out of emotional exhaustion. And I'm sorry, I believe that my role as a parent involves making sure my child feel loved, secure, and safe. I believe that if I work hard to create stability for Diya now, she will learn independence and confidence as she gets older. Not because I left her alone in a crib to figure it out for herself. Sure it might be hard at first and involve more sleepless nights in the beginning, but I'd much rather be that kind of parent.
Also, isn't crying the only way for babies to communicate at this point? If Diya is hurting or hungry, how else is she going to let me know? And if I take that away from her by choosing to only respond selectively, how is that not cruel? Honestly, I'm not sure what the theory behind CIO really is -- is it that our babies should sleep through the night but won't because nobody has taught them to? Or that they're being devious somehow and forcing us to endure more sleepless nights just for the sake of it?
About a month or so ago, I started noticing a little bit of a change in Diya's cries. These days, sometimes she'll cry if something doesn't go her way. If I take a toy away from her, for example, or you know, a dangerous appliance, she'll wail. This was at 9 MONTHS -- at 9 months, I started to feel like she was starting to realize that crying might get her what she wanted. Definitely not at four months or 6. Up until then, I don't even think she had the capacity to manipulate. She cried because something wasn't right, whether she needed food, a diaper change, or just comfort. And what other way could there be for her to let us know? As a parent, isn't my job to fix that for her, whether it's at 2 in the afternoon or 3 in the morning?
And then that whole thing about babies not needing to eat during the night after a certain point -- I don't know if I buy that either. I remember at 4 months, Diya became extremely distracted during the day. Suddenly, the world was too interesting for her to want to waste time nursing. And then, at night, she'd suddenly wake up starving. In the dark, when there were fewer distractions, she'd finally start eating properly. What if I had started sleep training then?
I'm not saying that some form of sleep training might not be necessary at some point. But 4 months seems way too young, and CIO should really be the last option when you're ready to kill yourself because you're so tired. Maybe this sounds too judgmental. After all, I have a child who has generally had good sleep habits from the beginning. I hear moms talking about waking up every 45 minutes. Sure, there might be extreme circumstances that I know nothing about. But I'll tell you this, for a child with good sleep habits, Diya still throws a lot of curve balls. At 4 months, she went through that distraction phase that lasted a good 3 weeks or so. At month 5, she got extremely sick and was hospitalized. For a period of a good 2-3 weeks that month, she was at some stage of illness that had her waking up frequently. In January, at about month 6, she started teething. In March, she got her harness, then surgery, then cast, and then her brace. Last week, she started teething again. I know that I've had it relatively easy in a lot of ways, but it's not like I'm spouting off from my "peaceful nights of 8-hour sleep" mountain or anything.
And I know that there are things that we could do differently too. Diya still needs us to rock her to sleep more often than not, at least for a few minutes until she's drowsy. Gregg worries that she'll need this even when she's a 40-pound toddler. And I get all tense even when she's doing her little crying fit in the middle of the night. It lasts less than a minute and I'm already ready to run in there. If it weren't for Gregg pointing out that her eyes are closed and that she's desperately trying to fall back asleep on her own, we would have been up a lot more this last week. So maybe I can be a little bit too sensitive. But you know what I've found to be the most effective sleep training method? Time and consistency.
I know, too, that most of my friends have tried CIO and it's not like their kids are neglected or suffering. At some point, I suppose we all do what we have to do. But I don't care, I still think it's all a bunch of crock.
Even if you're not a parent, you probably know the general principle. By letting your baby cry it out s/he will develop long term good sleep habits that include sleeping through the night and falling asleep on his/her own. Actually, there are lots of variations to the theory. Very few involve just letting the baby cry indefinitely. Some "experts" suggest going in at periodic intervals, etc. But basically, all the methods involve listening to your baby cry herself to sleep.
So I know I'm going to probably ruffle a few feathers and come off pretty strong because I know that I'm in the minority of people who thinks it's all a bunch of crap. And I'm not really sure what's prompted my sudden anger at this all of a sudden. But I'm realizing how it comes up in almost every conversation I have with other moms. I'll go to a party and some one will tell me how they had to resort to it. Close friends have talked about it now for almost all of Diya's 10 months. Last week when Diya was extra fussy, there was one day when I was home and hadn't had a bite to eat at 3pm. My mom happened to call and made a comment about how crying is good for the baby sometimes. The other day, I had lunch with a friend and it came up again, this time, for once, with some one who was in complete agreement with me.
So here it is. I think crying-it-out is bull shit. It's the easy way out, and it's cruel. Really? The message you want to send to your 4-month old baby is that she can cry to her heart's content and no one will come for her? At least not after midnight. Sure, cry earlier and we'll come get you. Wait, what's that? You can't tell time yet?
Does it work? Probably. I'm not surprised that parents who do some form of CIO report success. But I think it's because the baby learns that no one is coming and finally just give up hope. People say that babies learn to self soothe, but I wonder where would they learn that from? I think they really just fall asleep out of emotional exhaustion. And I'm sorry, I believe that my role as a parent involves making sure my child feel loved, secure, and safe. I believe that if I work hard to create stability for Diya now, she will learn independence and confidence as she gets older. Not because I left her alone in a crib to figure it out for herself. Sure it might be hard at first and involve more sleepless nights in the beginning, but I'd much rather be that kind of parent.
Also, isn't crying the only way for babies to communicate at this point? If Diya is hurting or hungry, how else is she going to let me know? And if I take that away from her by choosing to only respond selectively, how is that not cruel? Honestly, I'm not sure what the theory behind CIO really is -- is it that our babies should sleep through the night but won't because nobody has taught them to? Or that they're being devious somehow and forcing us to endure more sleepless nights just for the sake of it?
About a month or so ago, I started noticing a little bit of a change in Diya's cries. These days, sometimes she'll cry if something doesn't go her way. If I take a toy away from her, for example, or you know, a dangerous appliance, she'll wail. This was at 9 MONTHS -- at 9 months, I started to feel like she was starting to realize that crying might get her what she wanted. Definitely not at four months or 6. Up until then, I don't even think she had the capacity to manipulate. She cried because something wasn't right, whether she needed food, a diaper change, or just comfort. And what other way could there be for her to let us know? As a parent, isn't my job to fix that for her, whether it's at 2 in the afternoon or 3 in the morning?
And then that whole thing about babies not needing to eat during the night after a certain point -- I don't know if I buy that either. I remember at 4 months, Diya became extremely distracted during the day. Suddenly, the world was too interesting for her to want to waste time nursing. And then, at night, she'd suddenly wake up starving. In the dark, when there were fewer distractions, she'd finally start eating properly. What if I had started sleep training then?
I'm not saying that some form of sleep training might not be necessary at some point. But 4 months seems way too young, and CIO should really be the last option when you're ready to kill yourself because you're so tired. Maybe this sounds too judgmental. After all, I have a child who has generally had good sleep habits from the beginning. I hear moms talking about waking up every 45 minutes. Sure, there might be extreme circumstances that I know nothing about. But I'll tell you this, for a child with good sleep habits, Diya still throws a lot of curve balls. At 4 months, she went through that distraction phase that lasted a good 3 weeks or so. At month 5, she got extremely sick and was hospitalized. For a period of a good 2-3 weeks that month, she was at some stage of illness that had her waking up frequently. In January, at about month 6, she started teething. In March, she got her harness, then surgery, then cast, and then her brace. Last week, she started teething again. I know that I've had it relatively easy in a lot of ways, but it's not like I'm spouting off from my "peaceful nights of 8-hour sleep" mountain or anything.
And I know that there are things that we could do differently too. Diya still needs us to rock her to sleep more often than not, at least for a few minutes until she's drowsy. Gregg worries that she'll need this even when she's a 40-pound toddler. And I get all tense even when she's doing her little crying fit in the middle of the night. It lasts less than a minute and I'm already ready to run in there. If it weren't for Gregg pointing out that her eyes are closed and that she's desperately trying to fall back asleep on her own, we would have been up a lot more this last week. So maybe I can be a little bit too sensitive. But you know what I've found to be the most effective sleep training method? Time and consistency.
I know, too, that most of my friends have tried CIO and it's not like their kids are neglected or suffering. At some point, I suppose we all do what we have to do. But I don't care, I still think it's all a bunch of crock.
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