notes from the underground

So I'm still here and still loving it. On Wed afternoon, I was walking to the bathroom and just randomly tripped over my feet and fell. Now I have this big rug burn on my elbow and a bruise on my knee. Several people happened to be walking past, and I'd have to say that was probably my all time low point. Until Thurs morning rolled around, and I realized I still had 7 more days of training fun.

A few glasses of wine at lunch goes A LONG way towards tuning out the instructors for the rest of the day. I think my goal this weekend is to find a flask so that my mornings become a bit easier to bear also.

Surprisingly (or maybe not if you know me), my fall on Wed was completely unaffected by alcohol.

I think I've been experiencing some serious racial profiling. The annoying security guard at the front door always seems to single me out for not wearing my badge (this ugly green thing that weighs at least a pound) around ALL the time, instead of just carrying it and holding it out as I walk in. At least I thought it was racial profiling until the instructor mentioned she had had an issue with him, too. She also pointed out that he didn't have much else to do, one of the truly funny things she's said all week.

I discovered who the crazy person was in the other class. By asking loudly who the crazy person was. She was sitting just a few feet away, so it was easy for people to point her out.

I have a new favorite website. And you guys, its not just cuz I'm bored. Its seriously the funniest thing ever. You have to check it out. Its called dickipedia, and its a spoof of wikipedia (though unrelated to it). Its from the writers at Huffington Post (also a great site) and they basically have entries on various famous dicks. The ones about Sarah Palin, Dick Cheney, and Mel Gibson are absolutely hilarious. Its made my week so much more bearable. There have been moments when I thought I might actually start cracking up during class (especially when I was buzzed yesterday), and since class is not at all funny, that might have raised a few eyebrows.

Another distraction has been something G sent me this morning. It turns out that not only is Walmart known for helping people, they're also great for attracting some serious white trash. Big shocker, right? And there's a site where people submit pictures of classic Walmart shoppers that they've seen.

I'm telling you guys, this whole training has been so educational. I think the class has more than surpassed what I'm sure were the government's expectations. By the end of next week, I should be very well prepared for a career as an alcoholic (possibly pot-smoking and morphine-injecting) celebrity junkie with a deep appreciation for the world of useless Internet surfing. Well worth the thousands of dollars they're spending to have me here.