All right ladies, hubby says enough is enough. No more shopping sprees til I get rid of some stuff around the house. So here's your one and only chance to score big. Deeply deeply discounted in anticipation of this weekend's outlet sales . . .
On second thought, I'm keeping the purse, but the guy's all yours.
Loving husband, awesome father, already pretty well-trained (believe me, I've been at it for almost 10 years, most of it waiting for his sorry ass to propose)
Loving husband, awesome father, already pretty well-trained (believe me, I've been at it for almost 10 years, most of it waiting for his sorry ass to propose)
Cooks (slowly, so perfect for those nights when you don't feel like eating til 10pm), cleans on ocassion, and even does laundry (piles and piles of it, constantly -- putting it away, on the other hand is a totally different story unless putting away to you means leaving it all lying around on the couch)
Earns a great living (at a job that's totally to die for, especially if you're into random work-related calls on weekends and evenings)
Loves animals (and in fact, will probably bring an old dog with him; she's lost control of most of her bodily functions but is an otherwise AWESOME dog)
Funny, smart, and great looking guy (that doc who called him obese was SO out of line) who showers most weekdays and will definitely shave once he starts looking like the Uni-bomber
Loves gardening, sitting on the couch and watching TV, and going anywhere you want to drag him to. Never goes out, so you won't have to worry about him getting drunk every weekend and trying to drive your car home wasted (not anymore anyway)
Great tech support (trust me, you'll need it now to watch tv at your house with all the random remotes and fancy entertainment center)
VERY generous, in that run-to-Costco-and-buy-you-a-
Great conversationalist, particularly if you like texting. Will never bother you with phone calls no matter how long you're away, and answers every email almost instantaneously, so long as you limit it to 20 words or fewer. Totally effective way to practice conciseness.
Extremely affectionate, especially when he wants to get laid or is drunk
Clearly, not the perfect guy out there but a wonderful fit for the woman who wants to be in a relationship but just doesn't have the time or energy to start from scratch (who really does these days)
AND, if you call me now, I'll even throw in his entire porn collection for free. This means you could soon be the proud owner of every single Bang Bus episode ever filmed.
Make your best offer, ladies. This great deal won't last forever, so call now!
Please, he says straight inquiries only and hot chicks preferred, ideally ones without a shopping addiction
This post is linked up with the this week's fiction prompt over at The Red Dress Club. Our assignment was to write a fake craig's list ad.
I'd offer to trade...but that would be gross :)
ReplyDeleteFor a while, I thought this was based on truth, but you claim fiction.
ReplyDeleteWell done! I like that you showed good and bad points, and in a very humorous way.
I think the only issue I had was my brain looking for periods at the end of your sentences. Maybe use bullet points if not using end punctuation. Then again, it's an ad, so anything goes.
Thanks for the laugh!
Oh, well, I was ready to reply, but then I saw the part about the shopping addiction. Too bad - he sounded like quite the gem! ;)
ReplyDeleteWell, he's really my husband, and I might have thrown in some actual (though exaggerated) character traits. But I kind of feel like keeping him, and I don't own this bag. So . . . somewhere along the lines of very creative nonfiction? :)
ReplyDelete@Errin -- yah, thanks but no thanks on the trade. :)
ReplyDeletehee hee. My favorite part was throwing the porn collection for free. And the piles of laundry. Great post. This week's prompt really stumped me.
ReplyDeleteI love it!
ReplyDelete"Take the guy, I'm keeping the purse." Very funny!
I already have a guy similar to that. Can I have the purse instead?
ReplyDeleteVery clever! I clicked because I wanted the Kate Spade purse! You got me! I don't want the man because I have one of my own, so don't take it personally.
ReplyDeleteLove the last lines.
ReplyDeleteHeeheehee...