Chomping at the bit. . .

Sometimes I wonder if I was always litigious and that's why the law was a good place for me or if going to law school brought out the sue-happy tendencies. You know, the usual chicken/egg question. :) I'm not sure what the answer but I have to admit that I'm slightly disturbed by how energetic I feel when I have the possibility of ripping some one a new one via letter. Is this normal?

A few weeks ago, over Memorial Day wknd, we went to Tahoe. Rented a huge cabin with a bunch of friends and spent the weekend cooking, eating, drinking, and hiking around. It was a great weekend except for one terrible thing that happened. There was a big deck on the house that looked down into the yard of the property. Early on in the weekend, people noticed that the railing was a bit rickety and made sure to keep their kids from getting to close to the edge. Some one might have even commented on how large the gap between where the railing started and the deck. But we had no inkling how big of a problem that would turn out to be. So basically, its the horizontal gap between the bottom of the deck and where the railing starts. I'm not sure if you can tell how wide it is from this picture but that's the gap I'm referring to.

So Sun morning, we've just finished breakfast. We're all kind of scattered around getting ready to go out for the day, but taking our time. Our friends Liisa and Dave had brought their 4 month old absolutely adorable super mellow German Shepherd puppy. She apparently was out on the deck napping. I was downstairs, so didn't see it, but I'm imaging she must have been a bit like Mia when she's napping in the sun, all sprawled out, totally unladylike and totally passed out.

The next thing I know, I hear that she's fallen off the deck! I guess some one heard some whimpering and was wondering about it. Then the neighbor came by and told us one of our dogs was down on the ground. That poor thing hadn't even known what happened! She must have rolled and then wham! woke up 15 ft below. I still get a little teary eyed when I think about it. She couldn't even stand up after it happened.

So then our friends had to find an emergency vet that was open during a holiday weekend (in Carson City about an hour away). They ended up having to drop the dog off because the specialist wasn't in. And then even leave the dog there for a couple of nights because they couldn't perform surgery on her right away. So they had to go home at the end of the weekend, then drive back 3 hrs to pick her up after surgery. They could have found a vet closer to home of course, but that would have entailed taking an injured dog home and then waiting until they could find another vet surgeon who could fit her in. A couple of thousand dollars and a few extra trips back to the Tahoe area later, she seems to be doing well. As upset as I get thinking about it, it could have been a LOT worse. She fell onto this area of the yard that was kind of rocky and uneven. But in the end, she ended up breaking just one "arm." They have her in pins now, but once this is all over, she should recover fully. Which, especially since she's such a young puppy, is a huge relief.

So this is where the litigious part comes in. Liisa sent a very nice letter to the property manager for the property that I had primarily been dealing with asking that he submit their medical costs to his insurance policy. She told me that she didn't even care about the $, just wanted to make sure he was aware of the problem and fixed it. There were a lot of kids around over the weekend, and it could have been any one of them falling through that gap. Not to mention that the whole railing felt a little unstable to begin with. If he had sent her back a polite letter (even if he hadn't reimbursed her), she would have dropped it. Already pointing to a huge difference between me and other people. :)

But actually, he was nasty. His letter was completely unapologetic, and said that her mentioning the insurance policy was "beyond the pale" (which by the way means "outrageous" -- people I've told this story to seem to have not heard this expression before) and he wasn't even going to dignify her email with a response. So now, of course, its ON.

Liisa called the city. They went to go check out the property and it turns out that he's completely in violation of city regulations for how big that gap should be (4 inches -- he was close to 2x that probably). Plus, he doesn't have a permit for a hot tub that's on the deck. They're going to be sending him a letter informing him of these violations. Liisa wants to send him another polite email also; maybe after the city's letter, he'll be more responsive. And I suppose know that's probably the best way to go. But I got my lawyer letter already being composed in my head. Got some great tort liability law to throw in. And I'm dying to let him know that I'm an attorney. In his email to Liisa, he signed his name as an "Esquire." I think its just to scare her off. He's definitely not licensed to practice in California (I checked). And I certainly hadn't seen it in his signature during the whole time I was arranging all the rental details. Dude, he thinks he can play attorney and get away with it?

So basically, I'm just waiting to be let out of the gate. :) I wish the whole thing had never happened, but now that it has, I just want this annoying man to suffer. Is that terrible?

your tax dollars at work

So today I got a sampling of some of the fine people leeching off the government in the form of monthly disability checks. My favorite was probably this lovely gentleman: An older guy (maybe in his mid-50s), he came in looking somewhat awkward but not really exhibiting any of the disability symptoms I've seen in other people. Sometimes, people come in limping or struggle to open the door, and of course the cynic in me wonders how much they're exaggerating for the sake of the hearing. Not this dude, he just sat there picking at his finger nails.

A guard came in with him and posted himself in the back corner of the room. Now, I haven't really sat in on that many cases, but this was kind of unusual too. I wondered if it was some sort of new policy. Until about 3 minutes into the hearing, when upon questioning, the claimant revealed that he had recently been in prison for assault with a deadly weapon. Grr-eat. So hence, the guard at the door. In fact , the guy had spent approximately 20 years of his life in prison, over the course of 4 sentences for various offenses related to robbery and assault and battery. I loved that when the judge asked him how many years total, his first response was, "In County Jails too?"

So essentially, the guy's spent over a third of his life in prison. He stopped school in the 7th grade. In the last two decades, he's worked at one job for about a total of a year and another one for 11 days. He had to quit these jobs when had to go to prison. Darn. It appears that he had problems with drugs and alcohol in the past. Asked about his disability he said that he "can't be around other people" and that was why he couldn't work, that he got frustrated and angry and couldn't focus. Really, they're handing out disability for that these days? Where do I sign up?

Asked for his opinion of why that could be, he informed the judge that it was likely due to his numerous prison sentences. "I carry that fear with me out here on the streets." While he's sought help for his condition, "there's a lot inside" that he couldn't tell anyone.

OK, so at this point, I had to laugh. Not out loud or anything, but I couldn't stop smiling and I had to look down at my notebook. There was probably a period of about 5 minutes where I just couldn't look at him for fear that I'd start cracking up. How lucky are we to get that one sensitive assault-with-a-deadly-weapon-criminal! Totally priceless, right? "I always feel inferior and my feelings get hurt." Of course, I'm dying even more, but then he said, "I'll see people on the street and they'll be laughing at something. And I think they're laughing at me and it makes me angry. I can't shake it. And that's when I lose it." Uh oh. You can believe that I STOPPED smiling at that point. It would have been just my luck to be caught laughing at the hardened criminal that apparently assaults people for it!

Anyway, long story short, apparently he'll be getting disability. Which goes to show that if you want money from the government, all you have to do is drop out of school, attack a few people, come down with a drinking problem, and scare off anybody that might be tempted to give you a job. Seems to work every time. Well, I guess in all fairness, I have to admit that once the judge started reviewing the medical evidence, there did seem to be quite a history of bipolar depression disorder and schizophrenia. But none of that other stuff seemed to hurt either.

Plus, the judge pointed out after the hearing, he didn't seem bright enough to have made any of his stuff up. I hear that.

Crazy . . . or why I'm SO glad I won't be dealing with clients at my new job (Part II)

So the thing is, if its all true, the case is kind of a slam dunk at this point, assuming that the ex had actually moved to Mexico. The mom has all the rights and it should be pretty easy to change her to the primary caretaker. And honestly, if she had kept the kid here, she would have been in her rights to transfer his school and everything. Not the most convenient option with it being so close to the end of the year, but she is in her rights. But honestly, within seconds of talking to her yesterday, I had absolutely no desire to help her.

First, she complained again about me not calling back. I had called her on Mon and again after receiving her message yesterday. Her look was sullen. "Well, I didn't get it." Um, ok. How is that MY fault? I verified her phone number and told her she should take it up with the phone company. I had gone a step further even. She had left her work # too and I called her there liked she asked, only to be asked a lot of questions about who I was and told that she wasn't allowed personal calls at work.

Then, I told her that I was leaving the firm and would be unable to help her personally. She complained that I should have told her. Yeah, I'm planning on calling every random person I've ever done any little thing for and letting them know of my departure just in case they happen to need more legal help. And really, when was I supposed to tell her, during one of those times when she didn't call me back?

Anyway, she didn't let me really finish. How am I supposed to find another attorney on such short notice, she started demanding. I told her (what I would have said immediately if she hadn't cut me off) that one of my associates could pick up where I leave off. She seemed appeased by that for a second. I told her that we would need a retainer before initiating court action. She fired up again. "I already paid you the last time and you didn't do anything." Oh, that's a right, she had a point. I wrote those letters and she paid me for that. Never mind then, lets forget about payment ever again. I also explained to her that the attorney in my office charges $250 an hour ($50 more than me). Another sullen look. "No, you promised me $200." Of course, I forgot -- legal fees stay the same FOREVER. I don't know how I held it together. But I calmly explained to her that these were the terms. If she needed to find another attorney, I would understand. "Well, I only want to pay you if I get what I want." Great. THAT made me really want to represent her.

And it was at that moment that I realized that the attorney in my office would absolutely kill me if I left him this psycho. So I said, actually, you know what, I can do what I can for you before I leave. But then you need to find another attorney.

"But how can I find another attorney?" Call one. "But how?" Well, pick up the phone and dial. "Oh, but I don't know anyone here." F-in A! She went into another little schpiel about how I should have told her sooner so she had more advanced notice. Anyway, on and on. I could hit a record button and just kept playing the same tape over and over again. And the thing is, I don't really get it -- she was basically trying to get me to file a court motion IMMEDIATELY. If I had called her last week as soon as I gave notice at work, would she really have gone out attorney shopping? Especially since the most recent turn of events happened this last wknd?

I gave her the names of a couple of attorneys (who I know are going to hate me). "How do I talk to them." Well, here are their numbers. "But how do I call them?" Um, you pick up the phone and dial? That's how I thought it worked. "Are you going to call them?" No.

She kept insisting that I start the paper work immediately and then she'd get another attorney (btw, she still hadn't agreed to pay anything). I said, fine, if she found some one right away, they should really do the paperwork cuz it doesn't make a whole lot of sense for me to. And I really didn't want to become the attorney of record in a court action and told her so. "Why not?" Well, I'm not going to be stuck with you, b---ch, just cuz you don't find some one else. Once I file anything, I'm the attorney of record until some one else substitutes for me or she decides to represent herself.

But to get rid of her, I said fine, thinking that I could just fill the forms out in her name so its as if she's representing herself.

She came back 20 minutes later, saying she'd found another attorney. I happen to know the other attorney and felt guilty. But I had given the name, so obviously not that guilty. I said great. The other attorney couldn't do anything until next week, so she still wanted me to file the paperwork. Fine.

And then I thought about it. I told my co-worker and he thought I shouldn't bother, that I shouldn't let some freak determine how I practice law. And he pointed that actually a lot would be involved in filing the motion and I probably wouldn't have time before I leave anyway to do more than a half ass job. Plus I talked to the other "new" attorney she'd supposed gotten later in the day, and it turns out that the lunatic hadn't even talked to her about the case. The attorney had told her that she'd be available for an appointment next week and they could discuss it then. Dude, if I start getting involved, I (or my firm) might be stuck with her. So I called her this morning and told her since she'd found an attorney, she should let the other attorney do the paper work and that I had too short of a time to do the job she deserved.

The psycho actually started yelling at me. Told me that if she couldn't find another attorney, its my fault and she's going to do something "bad." Absolutely, nothing to do with HER sparkling personality of course. And I should have told her sooner blah blah blah. She THEN admits that she never even made an appointment (which I had already realized of course - I actually have a strong suspicion that she was hoping she could just rope me or the firm in somehow to save her the trouble of finding some one else. I can just see her - after the motion is filed - coming in and trying to tell my co-workers that I had promised her $200/hr no matter what or something like that. ). I told her that I thought she had, that's what she had said yesterday. She said no, as if it was my fault she hadn't. And demanded that I call the other attorney and make an appointment for her. No. She said that she had worked with other attorneys and they weren't like me. Her last one had done whatever she had asked him to. I told her then that she should ask him to represent her. She repeated again pretty hysterically that she would come after me if she couldn't find some one else. I said I'm sorry she felt that way. She demanded her documents that she left behind yesterday. I almost said, good riddance, but refrained.

And that was that. I'm hoping no one around here has to deal with her ever again. But who knows -- the fact is, I know she won't find another attorney. This other attorney that she went to yesterday charges the same hourly rate as my colleagues and probably has the same retainer (or more, probably, cuz I quoted a lower rate while I was still feeling a bit bad about the whole thing). And the hour and a half or so of petulant whining and demanding that I put up with is something no one will tolerate. So good luck.

Shall we say cr--rrazy? (Part I)

****So I'm not sure if ethics rules prohibit me from blogging about unnamed psycho clients or not, so just to be safe, I'm changing some of the facts and keeping it as anonymous as possible. And the only reason its part I is not because I'll be leaving you hanging you on the edge of your chair or anything, but its kind of a long story and I have a limited amount of time. And what happens later is what I actually wanted to blog about, but it doesn't make a whole lot sense unless I give you some background, which makes for a lot of reading in one sitting.

Anyway, back in Dec., I had a lady come into work asking for help. She had a court hearing the following day regarding visitations of her young son. She and her ex had been divorced for some years now, and apparently she didn't get to visit her son. Like EVER. I asked her how come, and she said it was because her ex kept him from her. I asked her how long it had been, and she said 2 yrs. I felt a little bad, but was unable to attend the hearing because of a prior commitment (I don't understand why people wait until the absolute last minute before consulting an attorney. I happen to know how much notice people get of impending legal action and it sure as heck ain't one night). I advised that she find another attorney.

Two days later, she showed up back at the office. She had been unable to find an attorney and had represented herself at the hearing. Its actually not that big of a deal -- a lot of people in divorce cases do, and her ex didn't have an attorney either. But apparently, the judge had yelled at her. She was almost crying and asked again for help. Again, I felt a little bad, but couldn't think of that much to do for her. The judge's points had been pretty valid. He had placed the burden of visiting her son on her and reprimanded her for not taking advantage of her scheduled visitations. In two years, although her court order gave her the right to have her son every other weekend, she hadn't attempted to pick him up or arrange a visit once. The judge re-established the visitation schedule and ordered her to follow it.

I told her the same thing. She complained that her ex verbally abused her and prevented her from coming to pick him up. She claimed that the ex enrolled the child in soccer just so she wouldn't be able to take him on wknds. He scared her. He was difficult. And her son believed everything his father told him and didn't want to visit his mother. The kid lived in the east bay with his father, it was hard for her to get out there. And on and on and on. The best was when she said that she believed that her ex did all these things (i.e. made her life so difficult) because he wanted her back. Yes, of course! Such a logical conclusion, no? I'm guessing it was this kind of mindset that drew her to him in the first place and kept him walking all over her. As bad as I felt, I was more frustrated by her helpless.

Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to sound insensitive or anything but you should have heard her. Pretty much anything I suggested was shot down because she just couldn't do it. And I'm an attorney not a counselor. All I can do is explain her legal options, not give her balls. Anyway, I offered to write a letter for her to her ex to strictly explain his legal obligation regarding the visitation schedule. And I offered to call him to set him straight if he denied her the visitations. She wanted to file for custody then and there. But unless she develops some pattern of visitation, I told her she wouldn't get very far. The son is 11, wants to stay with his dad, and has been doing well with him. As of now, she's the parent that mostly abandoned him. Fair or not, that's how I was sure it would go down in court.

End of story, I thought. I made a few calls and wrote a few letters, and then I didn't hear any more from her so assumed the visits were going well. Well, fast forward to Mon of this week. She calls me, frantically explaning that the ex has moved to Mexico. I couldn't make any sense of what she was saying. But it turns out that he moved to Mexico and the kid was still here, living with his stepmother. Except that no one had picked him up at the end of the wknd visit so he was actually with his mom, my "client." She didn't know what to do, she wanted to file for custody again. And what should she do about her son's school -- she didn't know how to contact them to let them know he wouldn't be in today because she didn't know what school he went to! Dude, what am I, a life skills coach or something?

I called her back with a few questions -- how did she know her ex had moved to Mexico for good and what was her custody status anyway? Did they share legal custody or not? And a few other things about what she ought to do. No response.

Today, she called again complaining that I'd never called her back. Um, hello? Just cuz you don't like what I tell you, you can't pretend you never got the message. The stepmother had gotten the cops involved and came down to pick up the kid. She kept saying "kids" and I was SO confused until she finally explained there's a 19yo daughter in the picture also. So basically, she's managed to isolate 2 children to the point where neither want to visit her. And some how its not her fault but everyone else's. The cops recognized that the stepmother had no say but the kid is a few weeks from finishing school for the year, had testing, etc. So the kid was taken back to his dad's house (even though I guess his dad isn't living there anymore).

Sticky situations

Ew. Ew. Ew. My legs have had just about all they can take this week. First i had this incident with some cream, sugar, and a coffee cup that ended with super sweet vanilla caramel creamer running down my legs. THEN, last night's thing with the dog turds . . . EW!!!! I'm scared to leave my desk at work today in fear of what might happen next.

I suppose the coffee/cream thing was the most dramatic. I was in the break room getting coffee as usual. And I have a pretty specific coffee ritual. First some sugar and cream in the bottom of the cup (it mixes better that way!). Then nuke it for a few seconds (cuz the coffee gets all cold otherwise, of course). So I'm pulling the mug out of the microwave, and I don't know what happened, but I dropped it on the counter. It shattered and I got creamer and sugar EVERYWHERE. All over the counter, the floor, myself. Basically all over the break room. Dude, I didn't even know I had that much creamer in the cup, but it certainly looked like a lot when I saw it streaming down my legs. My skirt was a mess, splotches of cream all over the place. I'm hoping the dry cleaner can fix it. And then of course, I had to be using sugar-in-the-raw, so I ended up big ol' sugar crystals all stuck everywhere on my calves, ankles, etc. I was wearing sandals, too, and got a bunch of sticky creamy under my foot. Basically it was a disaster. I cleaned everything up, I thought, and went home and changed at lunch. Which wasn't soon enough -- I had to sit around in my sticky skirt all morning!! Well, I guess I didn't have to, but I did. I don't know, I got to work late already, I didn't want to be running back home again.

It was great. I was in our bathroom, trying to wash my feet and legs in the sink. I probably went through a dozen paper towels cleaning everything up. I tried to clean the carpet but you could still see all the sugar laying around all over the place. And then I'm sitting at my desk a little later and thought I felt an itch in my toes. I looked and it turned out that I still had sugar crystals stuck between my toes!!! AND when I got back from lunch later, our admin told me that the cream had actually flown a lot farther than I realized. Apparently, it had also sprayed all over the table which sits a few feet away. And there was a nice long stream dripping down the backs of one of the chairs. Lovely. I'm SO glad no one was using the break room for a meeting that day. Every once in a while, if our conference room is already in use, a couple of the attorneys will use the break room to see clients. How great would that have been. As it was, the entire room smelled like extra sweet vanilla caramel (of course my creamer had to be vanilla caramel that day, too), and I'm pretty sure I gave off quite the odor too.

Anyway, that was on Tues. And honestly, I'm still recovering - I haven't gone near the microwave since. So then yesterday evening, I was out walking the dogs. Had all three of them on leash like always. And its always a little bit of a pain with all 3 of them, especially when one of them poops. Cuz then I'm trying to hold them all still while I pick up the turd, and afterwards, I'm walking around with 3 dogs and bags of poop until I find a garbage can. Plus they never want to poop at the same time so I always have 2 that are trying to still keep walking while the other one is hunkering down. So its already a bit of a challenge.

Yesterday, we get to a corner and Tucker starts doing his thing. There's another guy walking his dog coming up on us, so Bandit and Mia are already feisty and trying to check him out. Tucker sees him and can barely wait to finish pooping, too. The guy says he's going to walk around us, and that's cool. I'm trying to hold them all still and reach over to pick up the poop at the same. I should probably mention too that frickin' Tucker likes to kick after he takes dumps -- I don't know what he thinks he's covering, but he usually misses. And its not like he's dumping on dirt usually, so its not that big of deal. Actually, they all seem to like to find the nicest, most well-taken care of lawns before they do their deeds. I feel bad for the owners. But makes it easier it on me I guess, cuz even when he kicks, its just little pieces of grass flying around anyway.

But yesterday, he was so excited by the sight of the other dog that he's not even paying attention to where he's kicking. You do see where this is going right? Before I know it, he's stepping on his own turd and THEN kicking one out right onto my leg!!! And of course it sticks right on my leg, so I'm flailing around trying to get it off of me. I'm so mad at this point that I'm yelling at Tucker and trying to kick him while I'm at it. So he gets even more antsy and confused and kicks his turds around some more. So by this point, the guy with the dog is probably thinking I'm an idiot. And little pieces of turd are lying all over the sidewalk and some body's lawn. Not to mention a streak of it on my leg. I don't know how else to get it off my leg, so I take one of my poop bags and try to clean it up and only manage to streak it some more. And then I try to pick up the poop and its a huge mess collecting all the pieces, half of which has been stepped on and smeared all over the grass. And some how in all the commotion, I even have a little bit of turd on my finger (probably from trying to pick all the crap up) and I see a little bit on the leash too as I'm finally walking away.

To cap it all off, we were in front of the high school when it all went down, and the marching band and color guard were practicing in the parking lot, and probably watching me beating on my dog and trying to get poop off my leg.

So honestly, do you wonder why I'm reluctant to drink, eat, or really do much of anything at all today?

That's my face!

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about growing old. Every time I look through my hair, I find long strands of white. I make G look though them and pull out the white ones. It makes for very exciting Sat afternoons, he loves it of course. :) A few months ago, I did something to my left hip/leg. Not quite sure what, think I might have just pulled it working out and it still kind of aches in the mornings or when I'm walking on uneven ground. I swear, I thought it was sympathy pain or something for Mia when I first felt it, you know what with her hip issues and all. But she's been doing a lot better now and I still hurt. So I don't know. And then a couple of weeks ago, I was carrying something out of my car, didn't see the side view mirror in front of me and banged into it, totally bruising my ribs. I bump into things all the time actually, and don't even know it until I see the bruise a couple of days later.

So anyway, I feel old and creaky. And with another birthday around the corner, I can't help wondering, if I'm like this now, how will I be when I'm really old? I guess that's why I was kind of intrigued when I ran into this website that predicts how you'll look 10, 20, 40 years from now. Its actually kind of cool. Basically they ask you to send in your two ugliest pictures of yourself ever (well, not really, but they have rules for how pics should look and I gotta say, I followed the rules and mine weren't particularly flattering). They also ask you to mark specific features on your face -- that part's a little tedious. You submit, and they send you an email when your reconstructed face is ready, in a few hours or so.

I showed G the pics and asked him how he would feel about being married to this woman
20 years from now, and he started laughing, and thought the face looked a little fat, so I guess it 'll depends on how the rest of me looks.

At 40, all I got was a "Um, babe, I don't know . . . " I know, I know, I married a charmer for sure.

But the program actually does more than just predict how we'll age. It takes your features and shows you how you'd look with European, Southeast Asian, African, and East Indian features. It rates how closely your features actually align with these groups. When you first send them your face, they ask you what your ethnicity is. And of these, I figured I'm the closest to East Indian so I marked that -- though why they'd focus on just the eastern part of India is beyond me. But the kicker was that when they rated my face, I wasn't anywhere close to having East Indian features, or any of the others for that matter. Ha, go figure.

Here's how I might look as a black girl by the way, just as an example:


The program also takes your characteristics and amplifies them. For example, it statistically "beautifies" you, though I'm not entirely sure what that means. Like beautifies you according to who exactly? Actually though, I remember learning in an undergrad class that although personal tastes might differ across cultures, the underlying factors of attractiveness are actually the same and are driven by evolution. For example, I vaguely remember the ideal waist-hip ratio in women being one that best promotes childbearing (and guys are naturally drawn to this over skinny models). Anyway, I'm not sure if this particular software program took the same Ethical Issues in the Neuro-sciences class, but it attempts to statistically gauge your beauty and decided I rated 65% on the attractiveness scale. I'm not sure if I should be pleased or annoyed. Is 65% good? I know its better than average but I thought I was cuter than that!! And is this "beautified" version of my face more attractive? Hmm . . .


The program built a caricature of my face, too, exaggerating my idiosyncratic characteristics, and clearly thought I have huge eyes.

But my absolute all-time favorite is this image of how I might look as a very manly man.

Moving on

I've gotten used to working with smart people, and that's probably one of the things I'll miss the most when I start my new job in a few weeks. Well, that, my five-minute commute, coming home for lunch, being in charge of my own hours, the variety of cases I get to work on, etc. Going in to get fingerprinted last week for the new job's background check, I already began to realize how different working for the federal government will be.

For one thing, around here, everyone's pretty darn sharp. Between them, there's not much of anything I can't get answered. And even the oldest attorney (in his 80s) might not know how to use the computer or remember where he set his file down (honestly, neither can I half the time) but he doesn't miss a beat when it comes to the legal stuff.

I'm pretty sure the conversation I had at the federal office last week would have never happened here. Well, some of the guys here have poor hearing, so maybe if the hearing aid had been running low on batteries . . . . But I'm pretty sure the guy at the new place is just downright dumb.

So I got my fingerprints taken for my background check -- not automated, had to actually run my hands in ink, that was fun. Then I walked over to the office supervisor's desk to hand over my forms. The first thing I mention is that my documents are all partially in my old name, partially in my new. But I brought my marriage license to show that I'm married now, so hopefully they recognize that I'm the same person. Apparently I had launched into Greek or something cuz clearly this guy did not understand what I was saying. He launched into this long spiel about the kind of documents I need (dude, its pretty much the same documents any employer asks for -- either a passport or DL/social security card -- I HAVE worked before for crying out loud and what did that have to do with me getting married anyway?). So anyway, he finished his little monologue, I did try to interject a couple of times to say that I brought ALL of my documents because most of them are still in my old name . . . my DL is interim one and has no pic, my passport is in my old name, my social security card is the only one that's fully in my new name but has no picture ID either. But he seemed intent on whatever his deal was so I finally just stopped talking.

About 10 minutes later, he finally actually LOOKED at my documents so that he could make copies. And I literarally saw the moment his little brain clicked into gear, as he asked, "Oh did you change your name recently?" I explained that yes, as a matter of fact, I had. "Hmm, that might slow down the background check. Let me call some one to ask." So lucky me, I had to sit there for 10 MORE minutes while he tried to figure out how to deal with this totally earth shattering new development.

Awesome, government work here I come.