Losing my way

So take a good look at this picture

because if you're looking for a new GPS, I do NOT recommend this one. I mean, yeah, it gets you mostly where you want to go, I suppose. But it sucks.

The first indication I had that it has its crappy moments is a while back when I was going to IKEA in East Palo Alto before the wedding. I actually happen to know exactly where ikea is, but I had just gotten the GPS and was in the entering-in-every-destination mode. If you've ever been to this one, you'll know that its right off the freeway. Like seriously, right off the freeway. Instead of taking me there, the GPS decided to make me exit a couple of exits south of the actual store and then had me on some random side road going even farther south. Like a nitwit, I followed the directions blindly for a good 10 minutes before I realized what was up. And keep in mind that I know this area fairly well, having lived around there for ages -- so hence, NITWIT!

Anyway, there's been a few more issues over the last few months. Stupid things that could usually be explained by the software using old maps or something -- you know a few Taco Bells off the freeway that were no longer there, that kind of thing. A particularly memorable moment was when I went to Oregon a while back when it decided to not take me to the airport parking lot I needed to go to and instead decided I needed to be doing loops around South San Francisco. I've been frustrated but decided to keep forging ahead. Well, actually, we had decided to return it to Cost-Co eventually but there seemed to be no rush.

But Sat was the last straw. I was heading up to Sonoma for my friend's bachelorette party. And it seemed to find the hotel/spa in Sonoma just fine. But about an hour into my drive, I felt like a couple of coffee. What sucks is that before my GPS-days, I would have waited til I saw a Starbucks off the freeway and just pulled over. Now, I thought, haha, I'd find one nearby and it'd be awesome. I could get it sooner!! It directed me off the freeway near a big shopping center in Fremont. OK, actually, it was a center that looked like it would have a Starbucks in there, so looking good so far. We drove past the center, came up around the back. I swear, I even thought at this point, how lucky I have this thing. I would have spent ages driving around this place looking for coffee, but the GPS knew exactly where to go. Looped around a bit more. And some more. And finally arrived at what the GPS thought was a Starbucks. I think it might have been a Ross. Anyway, I still ended up driving through the shopping center and got no coffee. The fun part was that it was Sat morning and there were a lot of people shopping and I managed to hit every single light. Approximately 25 minutes later, I got back onto the freeway empty-handed.

A little later, I realized I would probably have to cross a bridge at some point and had no cash for the toll. I needed $$ for the wknd anyway, so it seemed like a good time to pull over and look for an ATM (and maybe there'd be a Starbucks next door!). Again, I looked for the nearest ATM on the gps and found a credit union a couple of exits ahead (awesome, since I have a credit union). Turned out the ATM was actually a couple of miles off the freeway in Richmond somewhere. OK, that's fine, I guess. Maybe it was too much to expect that it would be right off the freeway. Following the directions, I drove to what was supposed to be an ATM and what was actually Contra Costa College. To make matters worse, I think they were having gradutation ceremony so lots of the surrounding roads were blocked off, and I didn't figure out why until I drove around trying to get to the "ATM" and finally got close enough to see it. It was a lot of fun trying to get outta there. And the optimist that I am, I even got out of my car and walked a few blocks to where the ATM was supposed to be, thinking maybe its just in the college somewhere and I couldn't see it while driving.

OK -- more than half hr later, I'm back on the freeway, wondering when the bridge was coming. Turns out I was closer than I thought. It came up on me like a couple of exits later. No warning, and suddenly I'm stuck getting on the bridge with no cash. Well, almost. At the last second, there was an exit, so I took it, came back the other way to look for an ATM again. You get where this is going, right? Anyway, that little detour lasted another half hr and actually took me to the federal building in Richmond. If I were ever planning on transferring locations at my current job, that'd be one of my options, so I'm glad I got a chance to check it out. Since there was no ATM there, I'm of course grasping for ways to find meaning to my experience.

Fortunately, there was a Walgreens across the street which happened to have a B of A inside. I decided to eat the convenience fee and just go there. I'd like to point out too that the B of A hadn't shown up on the GPS. But whatever.

A little closer to my destination, starving, I pulled over to a Jack in the Box off the freeway that I managed to find despite my GPS's attempts to screw me over again. But getting back on the freeway was a different story. I don't know why I even turned the stupid thing on again honestly. I figured it knew where the hotel was and that was my next and final destination, so why not just go with it. But first it tried to make me turn right when I could literally see the freeway on ramp on the left. I turned left. THEN, it re-routed itself and told me to get onto the freeway going S even though I could have sworn we were going north. But this is where my need to follow directions again the better of me. Suddenly I had doubt. Before I pulled out, I had been very close to my turnoff. Maybe while circling around the freeway, I had passed it and that's why I was to go south. Unable to make a quick decision (I never can), I went south. Only to be told to take the next exit and come back north!

Needless to say, I arrived at my final destination almost 2 hrs late and not very happy with life. The girls, already enjoying their relaxing spa afternoon, were - I'm sure - absolutely thrilled to having me come in all ranting and raving. And G, who had to endure phone updates every step of the way, expressed some concern for the safety of the GPS (after all, how can we return it if I've destroyed it?).

Fortunately, on my way home, I had my friend Vid to guide me. Other than a winding, circuitous, oftentimes scary "shortcut" to the freeway in Sausilito, she did quite well.

Crazy . . . or why I'm SO glad I won't be dealing with clients at my new job (Part II)

So the thing is, if its all true, the case is kind of a slam dunk at this point, assuming that the ex had actually moved to Mexico. The mom has all the rights and it should be pretty easy to change her to the primary caretaker. And honestly, if she had kept the kid here, she would have been in her rights to transfer his school and everything. Not the most convenient option with it being so close to the end of the year, but she is in her rights. But honestly, within seconds of talking to her yesterday, I had absolutely no desire to help her.

First, she complained again about me not calling back. I had called her on Mon and again after receiving her message yesterday. Her look was sullen. "Well, I didn't get it." Um, ok. How is that MY fault? I verified her phone number and told her she should take it up with the phone company. I had gone a step further even. She had left her work # too and I called her there liked she asked, only to be asked a lot of questions about who I was and told that she wasn't allowed personal calls at work.

Then, I told her that I was leaving the firm and would be unable to help her personally. She complained that I should have told her. Yeah, I'm planning on calling every random person I've ever done any little thing for and letting them know of my departure just in case they happen to need more legal help. And really, when was I supposed to tell her, during one of those times when she didn't call me back?

Anyway, she didn't let me really finish. How am I supposed to find another attorney on such short notice, she started demanding. I told her (what I would have said immediately if she hadn't cut me off) that one of my associates could pick up where I leave off. She seemed appeased by that for a second. I told her that we would need a retainer before initiating court action. She fired up again. "I already paid you the last time and you didn't do anything." Oh, that's a right, she had a point. I wrote those letters and she paid me for that. Never mind then, lets forget about payment ever again. I also explained to her that the attorney in my office charges $250 an hour ($50 more than me). Another sullen look. "No, you promised me $200." Of course, I forgot -- legal fees stay the same FOREVER. I don't know how I held it together. But I calmly explained to her that these were the terms. If she needed to find another attorney, I would understand. "Well, I only want to pay you if I get what I want." Great. THAT made me really want to represent her.

And it was at that moment that I realized that the attorney in my office would absolutely kill me if I left him this psycho. So I said, actually, you know what, I can do what I can for you before I leave. But then you need to find another attorney.

"But how can I find another attorney?" Call one. "But how?" Well, pick up the phone and dial. "Oh, but I don't know anyone here." F-in A! She went into another little schpiel about how I should have told her sooner so she had more advanced notice. Anyway, on and on. I could hit a record button and just kept playing the same tape over and over again. And the thing is, I don't really get it -- she was basically trying to get me to file a court motion IMMEDIATELY. If I had called her last week as soon as I gave notice at work, would she really have gone out attorney shopping? Especially since the most recent turn of events happened this last wknd?

I gave her the names of a couple of attorneys (who I know are going to hate me). "How do I talk to them." Well, here are their numbers. "But how do I call them?" Um, you pick up the phone and dial? That's how I thought it worked. "Are you going to call them?" No.

She kept insisting that I start the paper work immediately and then she'd get another attorney (btw, she still hadn't agreed to pay anything). I said, fine, if she found some one right away, they should really do the paperwork cuz it doesn't make a whole lot of sense for me to. And I really didn't want to become the attorney of record in a court action and told her so. "Why not?" Well, I'm not going to be stuck with you, b---ch, just cuz you don't find some one else. Once I file anything, I'm the attorney of record until some one else substitutes for me or she decides to represent herself.

But to get rid of her, I said fine, thinking that I could just fill the forms out in her name so its as if she's representing herself.

She came back 20 minutes later, saying she'd found another attorney. I happen to know the other attorney and felt guilty. But I had given the name, so obviously not that guilty. I said great. The other attorney couldn't do anything until next week, so she still wanted me to file the paperwork. Fine.

And then I thought about it. I told my co-worker and he thought I shouldn't bother, that I shouldn't let some freak determine how I practice law. And he pointed that actually a lot would be involved in filing the motion and I probably wouldn't have time before I leave anyway to do more than a half ass job. Plus I talked to the other "new" attorney she'd supposed gotten later in the day, and it turns out that the lunatic hadn't even talked to her about the case. The attorney had told her that she'd be available for an appointment next week and they could discuss it then. Dude, if I start getting involved, I (or my firm) might be stuck with her. So I called her this morning and told her since she'd found an attorney, she should let the other attorney do the paper work and that I had too short of a time to do the job she deserved.

The psycho actually started yelling at me. Told me that if she couldn't find another attorney, its my fault and she's going to do something "bad." Absolutely, nothing to do with HER sparkling personality of course. And I should have told her sooner blah blah blah. She THEN admits that she never even made an appointment (which I had already realized of course - I actually have a strong suspicion that she was hoping she could just rope me or the firm in somehow to save her the trouble of finding some one else. I can just see her - after the motion is filed - coming in and trying to tell my co-workers that I had promised her $200/hr no matter what or something like that. ). I told her that I thought she had, that's what she had said yesterday. She said no, as if it was my fault she hadn't. And demanded that I call the other attorney and make an appointment for her. No. She said that she had worked with other attorneys and they weren't like me. Her last one had done whatever she had asked him to. I told her then that she should ask him to represent her. She repeated again pretty hysterically that she would come after me if she couldn't find some one else. I said I'm sorry she felt that way. She demanded her documents that she left behind yesterday. I almost said, good riddance, but refrained.

And that was that. I'm hoping no one around here has to deal with her ever again. But who knows -- the fact is, I know she won't find another attorney. This other attorney that she went to yesterday charges the same hourly rate as my colleagues and probably has the same retainer (or more, probably, cuz I quoted a lower rate while I was still feeling a bit bad about the whole thing). And the hour and a half or so of petulant whining and demanding that I put up with is something no one will tolerate. So good luck.

Shall we say cr--rrazy? (Part I)

****So I'm not sure if ethics rules prohibit me from blogging about unnamed psycho clients or not, so just to be safe, I'm changing some of the facts and keeping it as anonymous as possible. And the only reason its part I is not because I'll be leaving you hanging you on the edge of your chair or anything, but its kind of a long story and I have a limited amount of time. And what happens later is what I actually wanted to blog about, but it doesn't make a whole lot sense unless I give you some background, which makes for a lot of reading in one sitting.

Anyway, back in Dec., I had a lady come into work asking for help. She had a court hearing the following day regarding visitations of her young son. She and her ex had been divorced for some years now, and apparently she didn't get to visit her son. Like EVER. I asked her how come, and she said it was because her ex kept him from her. I asked her how long it had been, and she said 2 yrs. I felt a little bad, but was unable to attend the hearing because of a prior commitment (I don't understand why people wait until the absolute last minute before consulting an attorney. I happen to know how much notice people get of impending legal action and it sure as heck ain't one night). I advised that she find another attorney.

Two days later, she showed up back at the office. She had been unable to find an attorney and had represented herself at the hearing. Its actually not that big of a deal -- a lot of people in divorce cases do, and her ex didn't have an attorney either. But apparently, the judge had yelled at her. She was almost crying and asked again for help. Again, I felt a little bad, but couldn't think of that much to do for her. The judge's points had been pretty valid. He had placed the burden of visiting her son on her and reprimanded her for not taking advantage of her scheduled visitations. In two years, although her court order gave her the right to have her son every other weekend, she hadn't attempted to pick him up or arrange a visit once. The judge re-established the visitation schedule and ordered her to follow it.

I told her the same thing. She complained that her ex verbally abused her and prevented her from coming to pick him up. She claimed that the ex enrolled the child in soccer just so she wouldn't be able to take him on wknds. He scared her. He was difficult. And her son believed everything his father told him and didn't want to visit his mother. The kid lived in the east bay with his father, it was hard for her to get out there. And on and on and on. The best was when she said that she believed that her ex did all these things (i.e. made her life so difficult) because he wanted her back. Yes, of course! Such a logical conclusion, no? I'm guessing it was this kind of mindset that drew her to him in the first place and kept him walking all over her. As bad as I felt, I was more frustrated by her helpless.

Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to sound insensitive or anything but you should have heard her. Pretty much anything I suggested was shot down because she just couldn't do it. And I'm an attorney not a counselor. All I can do is explain her legal options, not give her balls. Anyway, I offered to write a letter for her to her ex to strictly explain his legal obligation regarding the visitation schedule. And I offered to call him to set him straight if he denied her the visitations. She wanted to file for custody then and there. But unless she develops some pattern of visitation, I told her she wouldn't get very far. The son is 11, wants to stay with his dad, and has been doing well with him. As of now, she's the parent that mostly abandoned him. Fair or not, that's how I was sure it would go down in court.

End of story, I thought. I made a few calls and wrote a few letters, and then I didn't hear any more from her so assumed the visits were going well. Well, fast forward to Mon of this week. She calls me, frantically explaning that the ex has moved to Mexico. I couldn't make any sense of what she was saying. But it turns out that he moved to Mexico and the kid was still here, living with his stepmother. Except that no one had picked him up at the end of the wknd visit so he was actually with his mom, my "client." She didn't know what to do, she wanted to file for custody again. And what should she do about her son's school -- she didn't know how to contact them to let them know he wouldn't be in today because she didn't know what school he went to! Dude, what am I, a life skills coach or something?

I called her back with a few questions -- how did she know her ex had moved to Mexico for good and what was her custody status anyway? Did they share legal custody or not? And a few other things about what she ought to do. No response.

Today, she called again complaining that I'd never called her back. Um, hello? Just cuz you don't like what I tell you, you can't pretend you never got the message. The stepmother had gotten the cops involved and came down to pick up the kid. She kept saying "kids" and I was SO confused until she finally explained there's a 19yo daughter in the picture also. So basically, she's managed to isolate 2 children to the point where neither want to visit her. And some how its not her fault but everyone else's. The cops recognized that the stepmother had no say but the kid is a few weeks from finishing school for the year, had testing, etc. So the kid was taken back to his dad's house (even though I guess his dad isn't living there anymore).

Sticky situations

Ew. Ew. Ew. My legs have had just about all they can take this week. First i had this incident with some cream, sugar, and a coffee cup that ended with super sweet vanilla caramel creamer running down my legs. THEN, last night's thing with the dog turds . . . EW!!!! I'm scared to leave my desk at work today in fear of what might happen next.

I suppose the coffee/cream thing was the most dramatic. I was in the break room getting coffee as usual. And I have a pretty specific coffee ritual. First some sugar and cream in the bottom of the cup (it mixes better that way!). Then nuke it for a few seconds (cuz the coffee gets all cold otherwise, of course). So I'm pulling the mug out of the microwave, and I don't know what happened, but I dropped it on the counter. It shattered and I got creamer and sugar EVERYWHERE. All over the counter, the floor, myself. Basically all over the break room. Dude, I didn't even know I had that much creamer in the cup, but it certainly looked like a lot when I saw it streaming down my legs. My skirt was a mess, splotches of cream all over the place. I'm hoping the dry cleaner can fix it. And then of course, I had to be using sugar-in-the-raw, so I ended up big ol' sugar crystals all stuck everywhere on my calves, ankles, etc. I was wearing sandals, too, and got a bunch of sticky creamy under my foot. Basically it was a disaster. I cleaned everything up, I thought, and went home and changed at lunch. Which wasn't soon enough -- I had to sit around in my sticky skirt all morning!! Well, I guess I didn't have to, but I did. I don't know, I got to work late already, I didn't want to be running back home again.

It was great. I was in our bathroom, trying to wash my feet and legs in the sink. I probably went through a dozen paper towels cleaning everything up. I tried to clean the carpet but you could still see all the sugar laying around all over the place. And then I'm sitting at my desk a little later and thought I felt an itch in my toes. I looked and it turned out that I still had sugar crystals stuck between my toes!!! AND when I got back from lunch later, our admin told me that the cream had actually flown a lot farther than I realized. Apparently, it had also sprayed all over the table which sits a few feet away. And there was a nice long stream dripping down the backs of one of the chairs. Lovely. I'm SO glad no one was using the break room for a meeting that day. Every once in a while, if our conference room is already in use, a couple of the attorneys will use the break room to see clients. How great would that have been. As it was, the entire room smelled like extra sweet vanilla caramel (of course my creamer had to be vanilla caramel that day, too), and I'm pretty sure I gave off quite the odor too.

Anyway, that was on Tues. And honestly, I'm still recovering - I haven't gone near the microwave since. So then yesterday evening, I was out walking the dogs. Had all three of them on leash like always. And its always a little bit of a pain with all 3 of them, especially when one of them poops. Cuz then I'm trying to hold them all still while I pick up the turd, and afterwards, I'm walking around with 3 dogs and bags of poop until I find a garbage can. Plus they never want to poop at the same time so I always have 2 that are trying to still keep walking while the other one is hunkering down. So its already a bit of a challenge.

Yesterday, we get to a corner and Tucker starts doing his thing. There's another guy walking his dog coming up on us, so Bandit and Mia are already feisty and trying to check him out. Tucker sees him and can barely wait to finish pooping, too. The guy says he's going to walk around us, and that's cool. I'm trying to hold them all still and reach over to pick up the poop at the same. I should probably mention too that frickin' Tucker likes to kick after he takes dumps -- I don't know what he thinks he's covering, but he usually misses. And its not like he's dumping on dirt usually, so its not that big of deal. Actually, they all seem to like to find the nicest, most well-taken care of lawns before they do their deeds. I feel bad for the owners. But makes it easier it on me I guess, cuz even when he kicks, its just little pieces of grass flying around anyway.

But yesterday, he was so excited by the sight of the other dog that he's not even paying attention to where he's kicking. You do see where this is going right? Before I know it, he's stepping on his own turd and THEN kicking one out right onto my leg!!! And of course it sticks right on my leg, so I'm flailing around trying to get it off of me. I'm so mad at this point that I'm yelling at Tucker and trying to kick him while I'm at it. So he gets even more antsy and confused and kicks his turds around some more. So by this point, the guy with the dog is probably thinking I'm an idiot. And little pieces of turd are lying all over the sidewalk and some body's lawn. Not to mention a streak of it on my leg. I don't know how else to get it off my leg, so I take one of my poop bags and try to clean it up and only manage to streak it some more. And then I try to pick up the poop and its a huge mess collecting all the pieces, half of which has been stepped on and smeared all over the grass. And some how in all the commotion, I even have a little bit of turd on my finger (probably from trying to pick all the crap up) and I see a little bit on the leash too as I'm finally walking away.

To cap it all off, we were in front of the high school when it all went down, and the marching band and color guard were practicing in the parking lot, and probably watching me beating on my dog and trying to get poop off my leg.

So honestly, do you wonder why I'm reluctant to drink, eat, or really do much of anything at all today?

Next stop, Ghetto-ville

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that I do not, do NOT live in the ghetto. And really we don't. But every so often, something happens and I think, man, you could have fooled me.

Take for example, that time I lost Tucker while we were out walking in the hills by our house. He took off, and I wandered around for an hour looking for him. Seriously, walked for an HOUR in the sun with 3 other extremely tired dogs (we were dogsitting one) calling his name and getting more and more pissed. Turns out there's a little homeless camp tucked away there, and I wandered in thinking maybe Tucker had been enticed by the food laying around all over the place. The nice homeless man that was there hadn't seen him. But he got on his pre-paid cell phone and called his buddy on the other end of the park to see if a dog had come drifting over to that camp. Sadly, no. All right, you're right, that's not ghetto, that's downright hospitable. Who knew there was such a tight knit bum circle in town.

Well then what about that time I found a homeless guy laying on the street when I got into work one morning? He was just laying there, his head on the curb, his bike lying sideways next to him. I tried to ignore him but then felt bad and went over. Called out to him a few times, no response. Finally decided to call 911, thinking he could have fallen off his bike and landed that way. Big shocker, when the cops came out, they said they'd seen him around town a lot and he was probably just taking a nap. But they couldn't wake him up either and ended up calling the paramedics. I might not live in the ghetto but my old office definitely reeked of it.

Not to mention the alley behind our house could have come straight out of ghetto-ville too. And I know, cuz I got into a ghetto fight back there not that long ago. Our garage is detached and leads out to the alley. But the stupid people that live there seem to think its ok to just park where ever they please. So I open the garage door one morning, in a rush as always, and there's this car parked right in front of the garage. I don't know what else to do so I just start honking my horn, all the while looking for the local police number to call to get a tow. FINALLY, about 5 minutes later, this big fat lady comes strolling out in her bathrobe. And mind you, its not that early, maybe like 9? On a weekday! Anyway, she kind of strolled out, clearly in no hurry and walked over to her car as if parking there is completely normal, and actually looking like I might have inconvenienced her a little. So I might have, er, um, gotten into a little bitch fight -- i mean, just verbal, but there might have a bit of the "oh no you DIDN'Ts" coming out of our mouths.

There might have been a similar incident with the family who let their pit bull out to attack our dogs one night while I was out walking them. A heated um, discussion, that ended with one ass-wipe asking for my # and me cussing him out and threatening to call the cops and animal control.

So anyway, I guess it was only a matter of time before I got another taste of Hollister's finest. . . this time in the form of a definitely funky homeless man walking into our office asking to check his email, leaving a fine odor of BO permeating throughout the building in his wake. Damn, I knew we should have taken off the "free internet for bums sign" from underneath our law firm title!

Flight Encounters

About a month ago, I went to Oregon to see my folks. After a frustrating drive up, a scenic drive around the SFO airport looking for the parking lot I had reserved a spot at, and an angry bout with my stupid GPS, I missed my flight to Eugene. Fortunately, there was a flight to Portland that had been delayed and still at the airport waiting to depart. I raced aross the airport and called my family to rearrange my ride.

Waiting to board, I called Gregg, as I always do when I feel bitchy and whiny and complained about my morning. I'll admit, it was in a fairly loud voice. Of course my voice is always loud, but turns up a few more notches even when I'm excited, if you can believe it. But I was shocked and annoyed to be shushed by nearby passengers. I of course blame the inherent bitchiness of people waiting to get on an airplane that's running over an hour late. Because god forbid that it be my fault. First, I got yelled at by a guy kinda near me to go somewhere else. I snapped back, telling him it was a public place and I can do whatever I want. But then this older couple defended the obnoxious jerk :) and I decided it was probably better left alone. So of course, I lowered my voice and continued complaining to G about what an angry group I had around me.

To be honest, I don't think I was that far off about the general short-temperedness of that particular group, and I'm not just saying it to absolve myself of any responsibility. I'm saying it cuz of this conversation I overheard once on the plane. I use the term "overheard" somewhat facetiously as the entire conversation is voices that were far louder than mine had been.

2 pm -- We receive our "please turn off all electronic devices" warning.

2:15 -- We're still on the runway.

Guy (passenger) sitting across the aisle and one seat in front me says to lady sitting in front of me: Is that your phone still on. You need to turn it off.

Lady: I'm turning it off.

Guy: You were supposed to have turned it off 15 minutes ago.

Lady: You know what sir, you need to mind your own business.

Guy: OK.

Lady: You know, how dare you. My granddaughter was just born. And I'm not there to see it. So if I want to look at new baby pictures of her, that's my business. I'm just sitting here minding my own business, so you need to mind your own business.

Silence.

Lady: Do you work for the airline? I don't see your uniform. So why don't you just sit there and mind your own business?

Silence.

Plane starts going down the runway. Lady turns her phone off.

Lady: See, I turned it off.

Woman sitting directly across the aisle from me and I look at each other, trying to keep from laughing

Guy: Good. Thank you.

Lady: I'm a 45yo woman and an adult. I know when to turn my phone off. And I know when to mind my own business. You apparently have no idea what it means to mind your own business. (Approximately another 2 minutes continuing in a similar vein. For a 45yo woman, she has a fairly limited vocabulary, I must say. )

Sadly, the Guy doesn't ask what I so desperately want to know, which is, is her son/daughter who just had this baby at a freakishly young age as ghetto as she is?

Guy (finally): Look, when I'm on the same flight as you, and you're endangering my life by using electronic devices, that is my business.

Lady: How am I endangering your life? I turned off my phone. Could you please explain to me how I endangered your life? You didn't die, did you?

Silence.

One minute later: I just don't understand how me looking at pictures of my baby granddaughter is your business.

Silence. Woman across the aisle and I exchange another glance and smile, particularly one minute later, when the Lady says again: You know, how old are you, sir? Obviously not old enough to know to mind your own business.

Frustrated passenger sitting in front of them: Lady, you've made your point. Can you please just be quiet now?

Lady: opens mouth, starts to say something, thinks better of it, and is finally, thankfully, silent. Woman across the aisle from me and I, realizing that the show is over, settle into our seats.

I'm thankful that some of the people sitting in front of this argument were the same people who had been around when I had been getting chewed out for speaking too loudly. Hopefully, this more recent farce is the encounter they remember from that particular flight.

"Maybe you're not as retarded as I made you out to be"

A couple of weeks ago, I ordered a kayak and it finally arrived last week. Gregg and I have been itching to take it out for a spin, so Sat we went to Elkhorn Slough near Moss Landing for a trial run. Its a two-person inflatable kayak, so took us a little bit to get it all pumped up and ready to go. There were a few different parts - the kayak itself, the seats that were separately inflatable and inserted into the kayak, and of course the paddles. Now, I should preface this whole story by saying that neither of us are really avid kayakers (Gregg had never gone before Sat, and I can count the number of times on one hand). Also, neither of us are particularly active in general anymore so we probably have no business engaging in strenuous exercise to begin with.

But anyway, we inflated the kayak in the parking lot and set off.

The first problem we encountered almost immediately was that we couldn't get the kayak to face forward. I was sitting in the back so was technically steering, I suppose, but no matter what we do, we ended up doing little donuts and facing backwards. And also, Gregg's seat deflated almost instantly and kept sliding down, so that it felt like he was doing crunches whenever he paddled. So we decided that maybe we should try switching places and looked around for some place to pull over. Of course, there wasn't any, so decided to just switch on the go by turning around and moving our seats over. So basically, G would take the middle seat out, move it towards his end and turn around so that we were facing different directions and he was in the back. Not sure if that makes any sense, but basically, we had switched it up so the back of the kayak was in the opposite side, he was steering and I was in front. The plan had diaster written all over it, but actually turned out ok.

There was a HUGE difference almost immediately. I don't know how long I had to put up G making fun of my steering abilities. It had to have been at least 10 minutes before he felt underneath the kayak and realized on his side, there were these little fins that were supposed to be in the back of the kayak and guide the steering. So really we had just set the seats up wrong in the beginning and that's why we were doing donuts up the slough. So you'd think that at this point, I'd get a little apology for all the ribbing. All I got was, "Hmm, maybe you're not as retarded as I made you out to be." See what I have to put up with?!?

Anyway, the trip was much better after that for a while. We were going in the direction of the wind and current, so we basically just coasted. Definitely our kind of exercise! But then we stopped for lunch at the end of the Slough near some railroad tracks and that's when we realized how deflated our kayak was! It looked seriously sad. Some guy actually pulled over on the road on the other side of the slough while we were eating and asked if we were ok.

We hadn't even thought to bring the pump with us either! But we figured it'd be ok, we'd just get a little wet. Famous last thoughts, I guess, because we couldn't have been paddling long on the way back before we realized that we so were not ok. First of all, the wind was blowing against us now, so it wasn't as easy. And then, the kayak was pretty deflated, so we didn't have much to work with. Basically we kept paddling and paddling but not making any progress. So we didn't know what to do. At some point, we gave up and thought we'd just paddle over to one side and see if we couldn't leave the kayak somewhere, walk back, and then come back and get it with our car. Seemed like an all right plan, except that it took forever to get over to the side with it being all marshy and thick with weeds. And then once we got there, we realized we weren't anywhere close to the road! So then we were stuck walking along the railroad tracks with the kayak!

We tried it for a while and then just decided that paddling was probably the lesser of two evils and got back to that. Made it back eventually. Actually I think we'd made more progress than we realized too because even by the time we jumped back in, we could see the parking lot in the distance. So I guess we had that going for us. When we finally made it back, we were deflating the kayak to head home (although at that point, it was pretty much all the way deflated anyway) we noticed a big vent that we had left completley open the whole time. Doh!